


Learning To Be Lonely

by fabulouslydepressed



Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:20:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29260374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fabulouslydepressed/pseuds/fabulouslydepressed
Summary: I know we were both just broken stars,But you took my heart and pieced it back together with dreams and hopes and quiet whispers. - Ariana





	1. Chapter 1

_ Maximus Valterius,you are a real piece of work  _ **I think to myself.The knife I just accidentally cut myself with clatters to the floor.** _ This is why you’re single. _ **“Shut up!”I tell no one in particular.I am having a rough start and it will undoubtedly get much worse,considering how much the universe hates me.I pick the knife up off the floor with my good hand,keeping my still bleeding finger pointed in the air like a white flag of surrender.I hear laughter from the living room and glare in its direction.”What are you doing?”a small voice behind me says.I jump,startled and turn around.I find my seven-year-old sister staring up at me with a perplexed look on her face. “Nothing.”I say.She frowns,not believing my bullshit for a second.She puts her hands on her sides and says “Oh yeah?Then why is your finger bleeding?”We both look at my dripping finger,which I’d momentarily forgotten I’d just sliced open. “I was cutting up an apple.”I mutter.She sighs overdramatically,rolling her eyes at the same time. “Yeah well you’re bad at it.”she says as she stomps out of the kitchen in a huff.I stick my tongue out at her retreating figure.Yeah,I know,** _ real mature. _ **I clean up my mess,bandage my finger and eat my partially cut up apple.Glancing at my phone I see that I have about half an hour to get dressed and haul ass to work.** _ And about fifteen minutes of that will be spent just walking there _ **I shake my head.I’m always cutting it close on time,still manage to never be late though.Five minutes later I am dressed,shoes tied and barreling out the door. “Have a good day!”my Mom yells from her office.I hurriedly shut the door behind me and swing around to go down the front steps of the house.IT.IS.POURING.Its raining like theres no tomorrow.I’ve just shut the front door,locking it in the process and my umbrella is in my closet UPSTAIRS in my room.** _ Fuck. _ **I look up at the sky,rain splattering on my face. “Why do you hate me?”I whisper to the imaginary overlord of the sky.A drop of rain directly to my eye is my only answer.** _ Yeah I hate me too. _ **I take off.I get to work three minutes shy of being late.Miriam Lovell,the woman running the front desk today greets me with “We’re cutting it close today aren’t we Max?”She winks at me.I just smile sheepishly and hurriedly sign my name on the check- in clipboard. “Have a good day!”she says as I dash off down the hallway to the locker rooms** _. _ **I throw my rain-soaked jacket and my back pack into my locker and slam it shut,jamming my key into the slot and locking it.I dash through the hallways shrugging my work shirt on over my white t-shirt.I wind my way through the kitchen,trying to avoid slamming into coworkers as I make my way to the time clock.I punch in my employee ID number.One minute.I’m late by one minute.** _ So much for never being late. _ **Sigh.I make my way over to my workstation. “Hey Max!”my coworker Ralph Edmonds yells from across the kitchen.Sigh.** _ Here we go. _ **I like most of my coworkers(the ones who acknowledge my existence that is,which aren’t many to be honest)and Ralph is ok enough,but he tends to stand way too close to whoever he’s talking to and he talks A LOT.Like,nonstop.Ralph starts winding his way over to me.** _ Sigh. _ **I cringe,hopefully not visibly.I look away and throw myself into my task,hoping he takes the hint.He doesn’t.One good thing about Ralph is he gets so wrapped up in what he’s saying that he either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care if you’re actually listening.Ralph launches into some football thing he watched over the weekend and I tune him out,nodding every now and again so he thinks I’m still paying attention.I finish my task and move onto the next.Ralph is gone.I work quickly and efficiently.Eventually I look up at the clock above my work station and see that it's lunch time.I clock out for my thirty minutes.I’m not at all hungry but I grab an apple and a water anyway and head to the employee lounge.Upon reaching it I see Ralph and another coworker talking away at a table.Most of my coworkers are paired up at their designated tables with a few here and there hogging entire tables to themselves,glaring at anyone who even looks in their general direction,including me.** _ I don’t blame you. _ **I find my own lonely table in a corner at the back of the room.Lunch passes without incident.I have a few interesting conversations with coworkers,one of them extremely weird and unsettling.I punch back in after lunch,completing a few jobs.Hitting the two o’clock lull I take a load off in the lounge and scroll mindlessly through social media.Peyton Grimes,one of the more friendlier people here,comes up to me asking me about my weekend.We’re deep into a conversation involving shopping(when I say “we’re” I mean she’s talking and I’m listening)when the Earth falls out from under me and the sky explodes into a million universe shattering rainbows. Blue. Deep crystal blue,with a slice of pastel ocean. I can’t breathe. I can’t even think.** _ Stop staring dumbass.You’re staring.Stop!Oh my God!Fucking stop!  _ **But I can’t stop.I am mesmerized,enthralled,enraptured and incapacitated.My brain is working overtime,reading everything those eyes could possibly hold.I swear for a second,I see their soul.Intelligence,compassion,humor,perfection.I am looking at a perfect piece of perfect imperfection and my soul has left my body.I snap back to reality and of course say the dumbest thing possible in the rudest way because I missed out on brains when God handed them out. “Who are you?”The person with those profound blue eyes regards me with cool calculation. “I’m Lucien”they say matter-of-factly.And I’m smitten.I am utterly smitten.Its beautiful,they’re beautiful.The day passes in a blur with no more interaction between me and Lucien thank God,I’ve got to get some sort of control over my fumbling self.I spend the majority of my time trying to catch a glimpse of them.It isn’t until evening that I succeed.I thank the imaginary overlord of the sky that we have to wear face coverings while working in the kitchen because my stupid facial expressions every time we pass each other or our eyes meet would give me dead away.I’m too shy to approach them so I leave at the end of my shift planning.** _ Planning what? _ **Fuck if I know.The next day I’m dead as dead can be.I have no desire to go to work in fact I’m debating calling in sick.I reach over to grab my phone.** _ Lucien. _ **And it's like I’ve just downed an entire can of Monster energy drink.I’m ready to go about an hour early and make my way downstairs to cook some eggs,contemplating the whole way.** _ What will I even say to them?What if they don’t work today?I’m so gonna fuck this up.What am I even doing,they probably think I’m stupid for yesterday’s fiasco. _ **Lost in my thoughts I walk right into my eight-year-old brother. “Hey!Watch it!”he yelps. “Sorry.”I mutter as I walk past him into the kitchen.I lose myself to over-thinking again as I crack open some eggs into a pan.** _ They are way out of your league.What are you playing at anyway?Relationships and you do not mix.Well I’m not aiming for a relationship!  _ **I argue with myself.** _ Ugh huh. _ **I frown and shake my head. “What are you doing?”my Mom says as she opens the fridge behind me.I jump a foot in the air and send the spatula I was using into the stratosphere,coming down with a resounding** _ clank!  _ **on the counter. “Jesus Christ!”I mutter,irritated. “What's with you?”she says regarding me with suspicion. “Nothing.”I say quickly.Too quickly. “No tell me.”she chuckles.Always ready for the latest gossip and way too interested in what's going on inside my head my Mother is.I do not oblige her today. “Nothing.”I say again,not quite meeting her eyes. “Ok.”she shrugs,an expression on her face saying** _ That's bullshit,but I’ll wait. _ **She leaves the kitchen with her mug of coffee.I turn my attention to my slightly charred eggs.Sigh.I get to work thirty minutes early,on the lookout for Lucien.I do not find them.Desperate to know as much as possible I sit at a table with Ralph during lunch.As the king of workplace gossip,I’m hoping he can provide me with some insight. “Does Lucien work today?”I ask casually as Ralph moves to take a bite out of his sandwich. “No they don’t come back until Thursday.”he says before taking a huge chomp.** _ It’s Wednesday. _ **Sigh. “Do you know much about them?”I press,crunching on a chip. “No,only that they’re Nathan’s sister.”I pause with a chip halfway to my waiting mouth.** _ Nathan’s sister?! Holy shit!  _ **My expression must give me away. “You didn’t know that?”Ralph says with a slight smirk,forever elated by possessing knowledge others do not.I shake my head.Satisfied,Ralph turns back to his half eaten sandwich and goes to town.No longer hungry I excuse myself and dump my remaining chips into the trash.** _ Nathan’s sister,dear Lord. _ **Nathan Halliday is one of my bosses.Ok,not necessarily my boss(since we don’t work in the same department exactly)but still my superior.He’s intimidating,friendly,but intimidating.And protective.His wife works in the same building and I’ve seen how he is with Lucien.He will kill me,slowly.** _ Oh grow up  _ **I tell myself,rolling my eyes.Thursday morning I shower and get dressed hours early.** _ This is it  _ **_I tell myself._ ** Today I’m going to talk to them. **As I walk to work I run through what on Earth I might say to them.** I like your eyes. **Yeah, no, I shake my head. “Think you idiot.”I mutter to myself.** _ Flirt with with them maybe?Hell no! _ **That would be disastrous and I’d never be able to show my face at work again.** _ Just be yourself  _ **_a tiny,normally ignored voice in a forgotten corner of my head says._ ** _ Yeah fuck that. _ **I walk in through the door of my workplace,muttering a distant “Hello.”to Miriam.I quickly sign my name and continue to the locker rooms.I clock in,looking hopefully in an uninterested way for Lucien.They aren’t here, yet.** _ Good,I have time to get my head in the game.It’s not a game you moron!Uh huh,suuuure.  _ **“** **_Be quiet!” I hiss. “You ok there,Max?”Nathan Halliday says as he appears beside me in the hallway outside my boss Mr.Davidson’s office.Also where the time clock I was just punching in at,happens to be bolted to the wall.My lungs find themselves incapable of inhaling oxygen as he regards me,waiting for my answer.I blink once,twice._ ** _ Did he just ask me a question?Of course he did stupid!Say something!  _ **“Where’s Lucien?”I blurt out.** _ Oh.My.God.I did not.Oh my God why am I so stupid? _ **Nathan lifts a curious eye brow. “They don’t come in until four.Why?”** _ Yeah why Max?Huh?WHY?! _ **“Oh.”is all I can come up with.Nathan opens his mouth to undoubtedly voice his opinions on my stupidity and obvious lack of knowledge of the English language. “Nathan have you finished that list yet?”Mr.Davidson thunders from the end of the hallway to my right.** _ Thank you Universe  _ **I think to myself.The moment the attention is off me I leave Mr.Davidson and Nathan to discuss whatever they’re going to discuss and make my way to my work station.The day passes by slowly.Too slowly.Too much time to over analyze,over think.I thrown myself into my tasks in an attempt to distract myself.Most of the day passes without incident.Although one of my coworkers does drop a container of liquid and it splashes all over the carpet.Four o’clock rolls around and I am beyond on edge.I’m sitting in a chair on break when Lucien walks in.I swear,they make it so hard to breathe and they have no idea.They do a little wave as they pass me on their way to the time clock.** _ Fuck. _ **At line up all I can do is stare.I know that makes me creepy as hell but I can’t help it.They are so heart breakingly adorable.The way they carry themselves,the way they address the rest of the staff.They seem quiet,reserved.But I know,I KNOW there’s more than meets the eye.And I am determined to find out what.I don’t get a chance to interact with them until half past five.I finish up what I’m doing and wash my hands,scanning the room.I find them at a table by themselves.Their computer out,headphones in, it takes them a second to notice my approach.I have no idea what to say.I decide to start with a good old “Hello.”They smile shyly and say “Hey.”And oh my Lord.Their voice is even MORE adorable.I sit down in a chair and regard them with what I hope is a friendly,welcoming expression.I ask them what they are listening to and they tell me some band I’ve never heard of.I ask them who their favorite band is and they answer with “I don’t really have one.”** _ Ahh,guarded I see. _ **They tell me about one band they do like called Glass Dinosaurs and proceed to play a song by them.I make a mental note to listen to every single Glass Dinosaurs song in existence.I ask them what their favorite color is. “Yellow”they tell me “but not like a bright yellow,more like a soft, sunset yellow.”** _ I’m dead.I’m dead and this is Heaven. _ **I have never met anyone who’s favorite color is yellow.We talk about different things for what feels like forever but isn’t near enough time before we each have to go back to reality.I go over each detail I’ve learned about them in my head as I work.Locking each piece of information away.The day goes by too fast.They clock out before I do and wave at me as they go.I won’t see them again until Tuesday.** _ Sigh.So far away. _ **I spend my weekend trying not to think about them too much.** _ And failing. _ **I listen to every Glass Dinosaurs song there is,and to be honest they actually aren’t that bad.I find myself telling my siblings about Lucien.I guess I’m just too excited not to share.Cautiously excited,but excited nonetheless.The thirteen-year-old is amused but seems to more or less approve of my description of Lucien.One of the eleven-year olds is elated,the other one(keeping up her I-am-queen-and-you-are-beneath-me facade)tells me I am stupid and ugly and proceeds to bite me.** _ Well,that was expected. _ **My Mom and I haven’t been getting along too well so I hold off on telling her,there isn’t much to say anyway.** _ Hey Mom,I’m falling in love with a magical creature not of Earth.They might hate me though. _ **Yeah,I’m** _ TOTALLY  _ **ready for that conversation.Wednesday comes around hopeful and full of promise.It’s not raining and my sister hasn’t bit me randomly yet.** _ It’s gonna be a good day  _ **I tell myself.I walk to work with a spring in my step.I throw Miriam a grin as I sign in for the day.I make my way to the locker room and** _ holy shit  _ **there they are.I wasn’t expecting them until later in the day,I am rooted in place. “Hi.”they say with a smile.I don’t know how they do it.How they just take all the oxygen out of the room every time they look at me,talk to me suddenly.** _ Maybe you’re just not used to people acknowledging your existence  _ **that too quiet voice says. “Shut up” I whisper to myself.Too loudly.Lucien is still looking at me.My eyes widen in horror.They heard me,and now probably think I’m crazy.I open my mouth and close it rapidly,most likely looking like a fish out of water as my idiot brain scrambles for something to say. “Hey.”I manage to get out,high pitched and forced.I cringe visibly and dash inside the locker room ,slamming the door behind me.I am utterly losing it.My heart is hammering out of control,my hands shaking as I throw my things into my locker trying not to hyperventilate.** _ A panic attack,I am having a fucking panic attack IN THE LOCKER ROOM AT WORK. _ **“Calm down you idiot.”I mutter.I take a deep,shuddering breath,hold it for a second and then slowly exhale.** _ Get it together Max!  _ **When I am convinced I have some sort of control over myself I leave the locker room.I wind my way through the building,taking a roundabout way to the time clock.I punch in my employee ID number and hurry to my work station.** _ Don’t even think about avoiding them all day  _ **that small voice says. “I can if I want.”I mutter.** _ But you won’t. _ **And I know it’s true.I find Lucien during lunch at their usual table,but talking to Peyton Grimes,a coworker I talk to sometimes on break.I consider just walking away and talking to Lucien later when they’re alone,but those blue eyes find mine and I cannot walk away.I nod in their direction followed by a half smile.Their answering smile makes me light headed.Peyton and Lucien are deep into a discussion about their friends.I lean against a table and just listen,trying not to look too much in Lucien’s direction.The conversation turns to what they admit they don’t actually know about their friends.Favorite colors,favorite songs etc.I pipe up with an incredulous “You don’t know what your friends favorite colors are?!”Lucien and Peyton both turn to me,surprise on their faces.** _ Because they probably forgot you were there. _ **I pinch myself this time instead of telling myself to shut up.** _ Learned your lesson have you? _ **“How can you not know the favorite color of someone who is close to you?”I blurt out before the voices in my head can force me to embarrass myself again.Lucien says rather sheepishly “I don’t know,I guess I’ve just never thought about it much.”Peyton shrugs “Me either.”I tell them that’s the first thing I’d ask anyone,any friend of mine.Lucien looks at me with what I perceive as a quizzical look on their face.I slowly meet their eyes.** _ Goddamn. _ **I swallow,completely incapacitated again.** _ You are so pathetic. _ **The moment is broken as Peyton starts talking about some new piece of clothing they bought over the weekend.And so it goes.Each conversation I have with Lucien reveals some part of their inner self.But there’s more,there has to be.I just know it.I get more comfortable talking to them,I still find myself lapsing into silence,but its not so much my shyness and awkwardness to blame this time.I love listening to them talk.I could sit and listen for hours.Every smile thrown my way has me soaring.They’re goofy,their laughter is musical,and their own shy,awkwardness is heart achingly perfect.** _ Quit fawning over them you weirdo. _ **But I don’t,I can’t.I want to tell them.I want to tell them I like them.More than anything I want them to know.I begin to feel that it’s imperative that they know.That it’s crucial.** _ Is it though?What are you trying to accomplish? _ **I don’t know,I really don’t.Most people would be hedging for a relationship.Hell,most people would have already asked them out at this point.But I am not most people.When my Mom’s boyfriend Francisco Rodriguez picks me up from work one evening I ask him. “When is the right time to tell someone you like them?” I say.He turns to me eyebrows raised in surprise. “Is this someone from work?”he asks.I tell him about Lucien.He listens to what probably sounds like an account of a fanboy who just recently met his celebrity crush.I cringe inwardly,but Francisco just listens patiently.When I finish he is silent for a moment.Eventually he says “I think the best time to tell them would be on the last day of your work week,at the end of your shift.That way they have the entire time you aren’t there to think about what you said.Because if you told them say in the middle of your work week and it wasn’t well received, it would just be super awkward if you had to see them again the next day.” I nod in agreement.We pull in front of my house. “Thank you.” I tell Francisco as I climb out of the car. “No problem.” he says walking up the front steps of the house.It's only Tuesday.** _ Thursday.Thursday is when I will make my move. _ **Thursday comes,raining and wet.I hitch a ride to work.Lucien doesn’t work until four that day.The day goes by in a blur,abnormally busy.The only time I get to talk to them is our break right before six o’clock.Lucien is talking to one of our coworkers Violette Laureono at that point.I sit in a chair across from them.** _ There’s no way I’m going to tell them right now. _ **Violette and Lucien are talking about school.Trapped in my own thoughts I don’t hear most of it until Lucien says “My Mom yells at me.” I snap back to reality. “Why?” I say with coldness that surprises even me.Lucien tells me about their struggles with motivation,that would lead to unfinished or not even started important school tasks.I soften.** _ Who could ever raise their voice at this angelic creature? _ **Violette and Lucien continue talking,I disappear back into the congested void that is my mind.The rest of the evening passes back without incident,save a smile here or a meeting of eyes (and an embarrassed ducking of the head on my part) there.I’ve just clocked out and am walking out the door when I run into them.They are doing their last task of the night and move out of the way to let me by.I smile at them,shuffling past.I turn around half out the door. “Lucien,” I say just loud enough for them to hear.They look up from what they’re doing.The moment their eyes meet mine everything I was going to say,everything I’d rehearsed at one in the morning yesterday is gone from my mind.They stand there,waiting.** _ Speak dumbass.Say something. _ **I open my mouth,close it. “See you later.” I finally say.** _ You idiot.  _ **“Bye.” they wave.Is that disappointment I see in their eyes?I turn around and walk out,before I can embarrass myself any further.I lay awake that night unhappy and unable to sleep.** _ Why do I always fuck everything up?Why couldn’t I just say what I meant to? _ **There’s got to be a way to get the message across.Suddenly an idea dawns on me.I scramble out of bed,and rummage around for paper,a pen and my computer.** _ I may not be brave,but I am crafty. _ **Music.They love music.And if they are anything like me,if music means even half as much to them as it does to me,this will work.I write down a list of songs,many of them love songs.** _ Subtle hints.I hope. _ **I finish my list hours later,having listened to and purposely picked out what I believed to be the best collection of music.What I hoped would say everything I wanted to tell them.I just had to be brave enough to give it to them.All weekend I plan what I’ll say when I approach them.Me and my sister settle on “I wrote out this list of songs I think you should listen to.You know,I can send you songs as well.Just gotta slide those digits my way.” We erupt into uncontrollable fits of laughter at the thought of me saying anything like that.The week passes without much happening.I keep the list in my pocket at all times,waiting for the right opening.It does not present itself until late Thursday afternoon.I’ve just finished lunch and am washing my hands when they walk into the kitchen,looking for something.** _ This is it. _ **I swallow my self doubt for once and start in their direction.They look up from what they’re doing. “Hey.I wrote out a list of songs I thought you should listen to.My apologies if you’ve heard them already.” I reach out my hand with the list.They take it. “Awww,thank you.”they say.** _ Goddamn that smile. _ **They do a little dance,seemingly elated.** _ Oh my Lord you’re beautiful. _ **All throughout the day Lucien throws their smiles in my direction.And I’m toast.Completely and utterly toast.And I don’t care.After my shift I hesitate to text my Mom that I’m off.I wait outside for Lucien to finish up and clock out.They come out the door when their ride pulls up.Passing by me they say goodbye and goodnight. “Are you working on Sunday?” I ask them as they are walking to the waiting car. “Yeah.” they reply.I cannot stop the grin that appears on my face. “Don’t look so excited.” they chuckle.Its out of my mouth before I can stop myself. “Has anyone ever told you that you have really pretty eyes?” I blurt out.They stop. “Awww thank you.No one's ever told me that before.”** _ They’re beautiful  _ **I think to myself,** _ how could no one have told you. _ **They throw me one more,though slightly shy, smile and climb inside their waiting car and drive away.Violette comes through the front doors,waiting for her own ride.I finally text my Mom that I’m off. “What do you think of Lucien?” I ask Violette,attempting to appear casual. “They’re ok.Why?” My responding grin and reddened expression must give me away. “Ooooh,someone has a cruuuush. I get it.They seem really nice,I’d date them.But I have a boyfriend so.”Another of my coworkers walks out,Ken Sheppard.We all start talking about an mutually disliked coworker of ours.By the time my Mom shows up its just me waiting outside the building.I am on cloud nine.Sunday blissfully and happily comes and goes.I both see and talk to Lucien.Each new thing I learn about them I tuck away.Each fact a crucial piece of the puzzle.They used to love The Jefferson Brothers,they have a dog,they drink blue Gatorade mixed with seven up just like me.I’m falling.I am plummeting.I am falling faster than my parachute can deploy and I.Don’t.Care.And then,everything goes to Hell.I lose my job.No more Lucien.**


	2. Learning To Be Lonely Pt.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To whatever end.

**Gray. Everything has a gray film over it now.My world of calm, peaceful clarity has been shattered.** _It’s ok Max.It’s ok._ **But its not.It’s not ok.I stop listening to that small voice.I stop listening to everyone.I spend a week in my room,tuning everything and everyone out.I leave my house for hours at a time.Not telling anybody where I’m going or when I plan on coming back.Because each time I leave,I don’t plan on coming back.I ignore my Mom’s calls,texts.I even ignore my siblings concerns.For once I don’t care.I can’t care.Because to care would be to** _feel._ **And I don’t want to feel anything.** _You’re so pathetic._ **“I know.” I whisper,slowly putting on my jacket to leave the house yet again.** _You should just go die somewhere._ **“I know.I’m trying.I’m trying.”I breathe.Slipping my headphones in,I make my way down the stairs.My siblings are all in the living room.One of the twelve-year-olds regards me with concern,eyes on the brink of tears. “Hey Max.Where are you goi-” I shut the front door behind me,ignoring them.** _You’re gonna make them hate you._ **“Well I already hate me sooo.” I start laughing.The laughter turning to tears as I lose my mind.I crank my depressing music to the point where I’d lose my hearing if it was any louder.But I don’t care,because no matter how loud it is,it will never be loud enough.I don’t come back until it’s dark that night.My Mom calls me as I’m slowly making my way home. “Where are you?” she questions,more than upset with me. “On my way home.”I say,revealing nothing. “It’s not safe to be out walking alone at night.You are worrying your siblings.You need to come home.”But I don’t want to go home.I don’t want to go anywhere.But my guilt controls my feet.I get in the door and am bombarded with concerned questions from my siblings.I throw on my cocky everything’s-ok-don’t-worry facade. “I’m fine.” I lie. “I always come back.”But that part is true.I** _ALWAYS_ **come back.Why?** _Because of them._ **I shove that voice back into the dark catacombs of my mind, where it belongs.My Mom is waiting for me in her room.I march in,shutting the door behind me.My Mom launches into her tirade of how unsafe it is to be walking alone at night.How much I am worrying them all.I only half hear her,too busy drowning in my own self pity.** _Next time just don’t come back.You’re a waste of oxygen._ **“I know,”I whisper “I know.”My Mom is still talking,hands on her hips with a look of disapproval on her face. “Well,are you going to say anything?” I don’t meet her eyes. “No.” I say as I turn around and walk out of her room.I walk up the stairs ignoring the concerned looks my siblings give me.I shut myself in my room and lay in bed staring at nothing.Music cranked up as loud as it will go I disappear once again into the void that is my mind.It is pouring rain one afternoon when I leave the house.I am gone for five hours.I pick a direction to walk in and I do not stop.I do not answer my phone,I do not turn around.I cross streets without looking for oncoming traffic,hoping to be run over.No such luck.I know I must be cold,but I feel nothing.My flannel jacket is soaked.I don’t even bother to wear my glasses, the moisture rendering them useless.** _What are you doing Max?What are you trying to accomplish?_ **And I don’t know.I just don’t know.My Mom grows tired of my increasingly concerning behavior.I continue pushing her and everyone else away.** _I don’t want you to see me like this_ **I think as I sit through yet another lecture of how my actions are affecting everyone.** _I don’t want you to see me like this so I leave.Why can’t you understand that?_ **But they don’t understand.They can’t understand, unless I tell them.I continue saying nothing.** _There will be other jobs Max,get over it._ **“But it’s not about the job.” I tell the ceiling as I lay in bed in my room,lights off.** _Then what the fuck is it?_ **Me.It’s me.I was so happy.I was so unbelievably happy.And for no other reason than that I felt adequate.I felt like enough,like I had done the impossible.Because to be honest,I had.People told me how great I was,how reliable I was.How impressed they were with my performance.And I believed it.I allowed myself to feel pride in what I’d accomplished.I had never allowed myself to fully do that before.I felt like I finally had purpose.Like I belonged,like I was worthy.That maybe,just maybe,I wasn't a waste of space.A hindrance.A nuisance.Was my job glorious?Was it perfect?Was I paid an outrageous amount?No.Had I made friends?Had I gained what I believed to be confidence?Did I enjoy what I did?Did it make me happy?Yes.Yes,a million times yes.And in the scope of things I didn’t need the job.It wasn’t worth the cost of what it asked.But it doesn’t matter what other people say if you cannot believe it yourself.And this is what I’d been trying to say.But the words never found their way to my lips.I could never look anyone in the eyes long enough to get it out.I couldn’t crawl out from under the guilt.And so I spiraled.And so I kept leaving.I started doing things and contemplating things I hadn’t in years.I tried to poison myself with hand sanitizer.It made me sick enough that I felt as if I’d die but it wasn’t enough.** _Waste of time._ **I started messing with razor blades again,cutting myself.But it wasn’t more pain that I desired.It was relief.** _Pointless._ **I tried to drown myself but it scared me so bad that I scrapped the idea.I didn’t actually want to die.I just wanted to stop being sad.I wanted to stop hurting “What do I do?What is the point?”I ask the imaginary overlord of the sky.He says nothing. “Helpful as ever.” I mutter,rolling my eyes.** _What are you good at it?_ **that small voice says,having clawed to the surface for once in a very long time. “Well lets see,leaving,lying,disappointing people.Shall I go on?” I say sarcastically.** _Walk._ **I start laughing hysterically “What do you think I've been doing?!”I ask incredulously.** _Ummmm,moping?Being pathetic and selfish?Any of these sound familiar?_ **I frown.** _You can’t help but be where you are.You can’t go back you can only go forward._ **“Pffft,well duh.” I shake my head.** _If it's that easy then do it._ **And so I do.Sort of.I still go for walks.I still find myself missing my job.Sometimes I can’t stand being in the house.Sometimes I listen to sad music and cry.** _Ok,most of the time I listen to sad music and cry._ **Most days I am still unhappy with myself.I avoid the mirror because all I see when I look at myself is what a failure I am.It doesn’t matter how much my family tells me otherwise.I do not hear them.Christmas approaches and I am not even close to being excited.We get a tree,we decorate,but my heart isn’t in it.Sometimes I feel so empty and alone that I don’t even bother getting out of bed in the morning.It is on one such morning(listening to some sad,depressing playlist) that I remember Lucien.I remember Violette and Peyton.I remember all the things I didn’t say,or I didn’t do in the short time I knew them.And I can’t have it.Peyton is the only person who’s number I have.I use it to acquire Violette and Lucien’s.Violette is the first one I contact.They seem excited to hear from me,albeit concerned.We catch up as best as we can.I send them memes.They respond by sending me a few memes of their own that leaving me rolling with laughter.** _I think we’re gonna be good friends._ **I contemplate what I’ll say to Lucien.I feel compelled,to set the record straight.I cannot explain it,but I know want I must do.So I do it the only way I know how:cringeworthy and rushed.I tell them I like them,apologizing if it's a little weird.I fully expect to be rejected.But I find solace knowing that I was honest and said what I meant and how I felt.I do not expect them to stick around after they reject me.I patiently wait for the hammer to come down.But it doesn’t.Because Lucien responds with** **‘I like you too’** **I read it twice.Three times,four.** _Wait,what?_ **I cannot function.** _WAIT WHAT?!_ **They clarify that I do mean romantically.** _Ugh…...YEAH!_ **They send me hearts and emojis with hearts for eyes and I am DESTROYED.But I don’t care.I don’t care one bit.I sit there for a good long minute,shocked out of my mind.I tell them that I’d been meaning to tell them I liked them in person,but I kept chickening out.They think that’s hilarious and tell me that they thought I’d been working up to it at work but hadn’t said anything because they didn’t want to be arrogant and assume that I liked them.They told me they thought I was cute.** _Holy shit._ **They said that when I told them that night that I liked their eyes it left them feeling flustered.That they weren’t used to compliments.** **“You have the most beautiful,most intelligent looking eyes I’ve ever seen.I could get lost in them.”** **I text them.** _Laying it on thick much?_ **But I mean it,every word.They send me more hearts.And so it goes.Me trading compliments,them telling me bits and pieces of themselves.They love astrology.They send me an entire paragraph,explaining it,explaining their signs(I find out a person can have multiple).They apologize for talking so much about astrology. “** **Never apologize for being passionate or talking in depth about something you love,Lucien”.** **More hearts.I ask them to go for a walk with me.They are all for it,saying “** **It’s a date!”** **followed by happy faced emojis.We end up not going for a walk because the weather is crappy.We continue talking often.We laugh about the list of songs I gave them and all the “subtle hints” I’d put in there.They get their wisdom teeth removed and I tell them what happened when I got mine removed,how I passed out.** **“Oh no! Lol”** **I send them memes in an attempt to make them feel better.They tell me they look horrid “No way,”I say “You’re gorgeous.” I send them the names of songs to listen to.We talk about Star Wars and TV shows we’ve seen,books we’ve read,mental health.They tell me they have severe anxiety issues,depression and trouble sleeping.The latter which comes to light at 1am one night.We spend an hour talking until I tell them they need to try and go to sleep,but that if they can’t I will keep them company until I fall asleep myself.Sometimes we only talk every other day,sometimes a little everyday.Sometimes I’ll say something and it takes them forever to respond.But I don’t care,every conversation we have,every new detail about them I discover, is worth the wait.One night they send me a message saying “** **So I wanted to give you this in person,but I wrote out a list of songs for you too.I wrote it out the day after you gave me that list of songs at work :) It’s a combination of some of my favorites and some that I thought you would like.”** **They send me a screenshot of a list of songs,thirty three in total.I make an entire playlist out of them.I don’t know what to name it and having planned to listen to them all the next day I end up naming it “My Tomorrow.”** _Weirdo._ **But I don’t care.I end up listening to the playlist all night.Repeatedly.I love nearly every song and tell them so.I especially like this one song by Glass Dinosaurs called “Agnes”.It’s beautiful,but incredibly sad.They tell me it's their favorite song,which only makes me like it even more.Curious,I ask them what it means to them.They tell me that it’s about missing someone,how little things will remind you of that person,that you never know how much someone means to you until they’re gone.I am astounded by their summary,how observant they are,how much they actually pay attention.And so it goes.With every song I send them or they send me,I ask them what they think it means and then what it means to them.They are so passionate about music and their favorite bands/songs.Listening to their explanations becomes one of my favorite things.I find out they want to be a writer,that they’ve written quite a few works.I ask them how they feel about poems.They tell me they aren’t much good at writing them but love reading them.And so my inner poet takes off.I began writing them poems or finding poems to send to them.Sometimes I wonder if we’re moving too fast,we don’t in a sense over communicate,like talk every single day.But when we do the intensity is there.I decide to just enjoy it,the moments I am presented with instead of worrying and overthinking every little thing.Because with Lucien,I don’t have to.Or so I think.One day Lucien stops talking to me.I just assume they’re busy.At least,for the first day.Also they work so they don’t really talk to me until later in the evening anyways.The second day approaches.Lucien has read my messages,but hasn’t responded yet.I am puzzled,but try not to overthink it.I ask them if they’re ok.Read.No response.I begin to wonder if I’ve done something wrong,said something they didn’t like. “Am I being annoying?”I ponder that night.** _Since when are you not annoying?_ **I text Violette,asking if they’ve seen Lucien lately.They tell me they had just seen them that day.They ask me why I am asking.I tell them.They tell me “Maybe Lucien is just busy.Would you like me to talk to them?” I want to know that they’re ok more than I want to know why they’ve left me on read so I agree.** _Whats the harm in having them ask?_ **Violette comes back with “They said their ok.I asked them what's happening between you two.They said “We’re fine”.” Although I am elated that Lucien used “we”,I don’t understand why they told Violette we’re fine.We aren’t even talking.I wait another day and then send them a message.** **“Did I do something wrong?Or say something that made you upset?If I did I’m sorry.”** **Lucien reads it,saying nothing.Another day goes by.It dawns on me what might be happening. “** **Do I give you anxiety?”** **I ask and leave it.I’ve no idea what to do at this point.** _They probably got tired of you.You and your sappy poems._ **I go to bed that night bummed.Another day passes.The next morning I open my phone to look for memes,not expecting to see anything from Lucien.They’d texted me at 3am that morning.I hold my breath and open the message.They tell me that they’d been trying to figure out what to say since I’d ask them if I gave them anxiety.They tell me they aren’t ready to be in a relationship.They tell me that they are asexual and that their anxiety made them believe I was forcing them into a relationship ,into things that they’ll never be interested in.They tell me they know that I’m not like that,that that isn’t what I meant to do,or intended.They tell me their past relationships have fallen apart because of their anxiety and that their anxiety has convinced them that after learning all this I won’t want to talk to them again.Wording it like a goodbye,they tell me they understand if that is what I decide to do.They tell me that they made responding to my texts another stressor,that they wish it wasn’t.They tell me they hate that they have allowed themselves to make yet another enjoyable thing too stressful to think about.They tell me they are sorry for ghosting me,leading me on and that they were an asshole.I read it all.After I finish,I turn my phone off and set it down.I have no idea what to say,a million emotions crashing inside my mind.But I do know that I cannot allow them to think that I’ll abandon them.Not talk to them just because of all thats happened.** _Maybe I can prove them wrong._ **A stubborn hope makes its way to the surface.But what I tell Lucien has nothing to do with how I feel or what I hope is still possible. “** **I’m sorry your anxiety controls you.I think it prevents you from a lot of enjoyable things.I’m not trying to change your mind but I will tell you that I am also asexual.I haven’t told many people,and I understand what you meant,what you thought I was trying to do.Also,your anxiety is wrong.I’m not going to stop talking to you just because this all happened.I’d be lying if I said I’m not still hoping you don’t write me off completely.But please know that I am entirely happy just being your friend.I adore you and I think you’re amazing.Don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise :) ”** **And I leave it at that.Lucien responds hours later.They tell me they did not expect that sort of reaction,how I was so borderline apologetic.They don’t seem to acknowledge the open question I left in what I said.They also do not talk to me any different than how they did before.I find this slightly confusing but do not ponder it too much.They invite me to their private discord they have with their friends out of the blue one day.I accept it wholeheartedly.They seem really nice.We continue sending songs to each other and memes and talk about everything under the sun.I write them out another list of songs. I discover their TikTok account,they have a link to it in their discord.And** _I swear._ **The Lucien I am getting to know is NOT the Lucien I see.They are so unbelievably happy,so silly and down right adorable.They are singing and laughing and being a comedian in their videos.They are a completely** _DIFFERENT_ **person.And I knew it. I KNEW IT.I knew from the moment I met them there was** _SO_ **much more.And I am astounded.I am utterly astounded.Happy people make me happy and Lucien is so happy when they are being themselves.And I cry.I am crying watching this angel dancing around.Watching them laugh,and then criticize the sound halfheartedly.** _It’s perfect.You’re perfect.Please believe it._ **They are obsessed with 5 Hours of Summer.Like OBSESSED.I’d assumed as much,considering how many songs they’d sent me of theirs.I am not super fond of them myself.But I don’t care.I spend hours listening to their albums,learning all the words,reading the lyrics.** _Singing their songs._ **Oh dear.We go for a walk.Seeing them again leaves me breathless.I spend most of the time in silence,listening to them talk.They tell me about how they were in theater in highschool and middle school.How the first part they ever got was water.We laugh hysterically at that.They ask me,cringing ,if I’m being so quiet because I’m waiting for them to stop talking.** _Not even close._ **I tell them no,that I just like listening to them talk.That I could listen to them talk for hours.They grin,blushing.** _Oof._ **They confess to me that sometimes they look and see what I’m listening to on discord,since they can see because my Spotify account is connected to it.They tell me that it makes them happy that I listen to the music they send me. “Spying on me huh?” I say in mock disapproval.** _I might have slightly weirded out,if i didn’t do the same damn thing._ **They give me that knee-weakening smile again.I tell them that I’ve watched every single TikTok they’ve made.That sends them into fits of pained but delighted laughter. “Oh my God that's so embarrassing.”they say.I tell them they shouldn't be embarrassed,to do whatever makes them happy.They turn towards me with that grin again.And so it goes,we spend two hours talking and walking.Nearly going in circles because we just turn around and go back the way we came multiple times for no reason.But I don’t think either of us care.Lucien keeps drifting closer to me and I keep moving away.At one point their flannel jacketed arm brushes against mine.I go rigid,clearing my throat and swallowing,moving away from them in what I hope is a casual manner.Blue eyes meet mine.** _A question?Or am I imagining it?_ **I find something else to look at,like my shoes.An insane desire to reach out and grab their hand takes hold of me.I shove my hands into my pockets,willing them to stay there.Silence takes over as I walk them to their bus stop.We stand there talking for about twenty minutes.I want to make sure they get on the bus ok.I ask them to text me when they’re home safe.They say that they will.A shady,older man yelling at nothing passes behind us.Without thinking I hover protectively near Lucien,watching the man as he passes,daring him to do something.** _Whoa._ **When he’s a distance away,I turn back toward Lucien.They have the strangest look on their face.** _Gratitude?Confusion?Admiration?_ **I do not know,although my brain tells me it's a combination of the first two.I leave them to start walking home about ten minutes before their bus arrives,apologizing but explaining how I should really be starting home.But in reality I need to walk.I need to think,because I am crashing.I am imploding.** _I’m so….confused?_ **Even wondering if I’m confused confuses me.** _Dear Lord._ **I make it home no less perplexed than I was before I left Lucien at the bus stop.They text me about fifteen minutes later,telling me that they made it home safe. “** **I enjoyed our walk :).”** **I tell them that I enjoyed it too.That I was sorry if I lapsed into silence or didn’t talk much.They tell me they do not mind the silence.I am still terribly confused and so I ask them what they are thinking. “** **I’m not good at expressing myself.”** **they tell me.I confess sometimes when we were walking and they got quiet that I wondered what they were thinking.If in fact they were thinking much of anything. “** **I’ve never had someone so invested in what I have to say :) ”** **Without thinking I tell them that I love hearing what they think, what they have to say.I cringe a second after I send it,not wanting to make them uncomfortable with a compliment.They send me heart emojis.** _??????_ **I apologize anyway saying “** **I’m sorry.I’m trying so hard and failing miserably lol.”** **followed by a cringing but smiling emoji. “** **You aren’t failing,I swear.”** **they reply.I do not understand what they mean by that,I don’t even know what I mean by saying what I just said.I do not ask for clarification.** _What’s happening?_ **“I don’t know,I don’t know.”I whisper to myself,shaking my head.** _No.No this is wrong.What am I doing?Did I mean ANYTHING that I said?_ **I feel terrible.I feel wrong.Fake.Ingenuine.And I hate it.We don't talk anymore that night.The next day I apologize again.They leave me on read.** _WHAT DID YOU DO?_ **I have no answer.All I know is how terrible I feel.All I see is the lie I told,intentional or not.The day after I am still left on read.** _They’re never going to talk to you again,way to go._ **I have no idea what to do,or what I did or what I’m even doing.My mind makes itself up for me.I log into discord where I know they’ll see it right away because they are always on there and leave them a message.“** **I told you that I was perfectly happy being your friend.And I meant it,I know I did.What I didn’t mean was to fall for you.I am so sorry.You were supposed to reject me,when I first told you that I liked you.I expected it.Was braced and ready for it.I feel like if I’m falling for you then I didn’t mean what I said.That means I lied to you.That means I wasn’t genuine.And I hate that.I can’t stand it and I’m sorry.I needed to tell you,to explain.Please never stop being yourself.”** **And I leave it.They do not respond.I know that they’ve seen it.A week goes by.I feel horrid.And sad,so incredibly sad.I miss them,way more than I thought was possible.I keep listening to the playlists I created of their music.I keep playing “Agnes” over and over again.I start leaving the house again,just so I can blast music through my headphones alone.They never respond.Two weeks goes by.I ask Violette if Lucien is ok.They tell me they see them at work, often,that they seem fine.That they are working on their latest project.Violette says that Lucien said they’d message me sooner or later,that they are trying to figure out what to say.That they can’t understand why I’m apologizing for something I’m not meant to apologize for.I do not understand what they mean.There is no escape from the sadness that I feel.I torture myself with Luciens favorite 5 Hours of Summer songs,which just so happens to be all of them.One night I’m listening to a very sad one,and I can’t stop myself as the tears come.I cry and I cry and I cry.** _What did you do Max?What did you do?_ **Every time my phone buzzes I hope against hope.But Lucien doesn’t talk to me.Violette says to just move on and forget about them.But I don’t forget about people and even if I could,why would I want to forget about them? Two weeks go by.Instead of lessening my feelings intensify.5 Hours of Summer is all I listen to anymore.I know all the words to nearly all the songs now.All they do is make me sad but I can’t help but keep playing them.** _You’re so pathetic._ **“I know.” I whisper sadly.Lucien continues ignoring me.I know they are choosing to because they keep shelling out TikTok’s,which means they’re clearly on their phone.** _They just don’t want to talk to you is all._ **I don’t blame them,I wouldn’t want to talk to me either.** _I just wish they would say something.Anything.Why can’t they say “I don’t want to talk to you,fuck off.”_ **Not that I’m not aware that clearly they don’t want to talk to me.** _Why did they say they would?_ **All I want is for the nothingness to end.All I want is to stop being sad.Stop questioning myself.Stop listening to 5 Hours of Summer and stop thinking about Lucien.But I can’t.I dont.** _Am I being obsessive?Is hating being ignored obsessive?Maybe I deserve it.It wasn’t what they wanted.Was it?_ **I don’t know. I don’t know.And the only person who could tell me is perfectly happy pretending I don’t exist.I am so confused,in my mind I did the right thing by moving away,giving them space.In my mind I am convinced I did this** _for them._ **But as time passes I am not so sure.Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything,maybe I should have been patient.** _But what does that even mean?Be patient for what?_ **I don’t understand why I care,why I can’t just leave it as it is.** _You’ve known them for like a month,chill._ **But I can’t,there are too many unanswered questions.Why would they tell me they aren’t interested and then** _DO_ **things that lead me to believe otherwise?But are they actually doing those things or am I imagining them?Does what they’re doing look like something completely different to someone else?** _Do I even have a right to be sad?Why am I more sad that I left, to give them space?_ **I continue feeling wrong.** _What did you do?_ **And I don’t know.I just don’t know.** _Did I actually do this for them?Or did I run away because I was scared_ **?I blink once,twice.I’ve never considered this.But I how could it have been me being scared if the entire time had me over analyzing every single thing I said or did hoping it wouldn’t cause them anxiety?If I was scared I would have said so right?** _I may be stupid but I’m not dishonest.No.Perhaps I left because of pride._ **I don’t take pride in much,but I have a lot in what I say and how I say it.I take immense pride in being genuine.Falling in love with Lucien** _AFTER_ **I said I was happy being friends has made me feel ingenuine.And I hate it.Worse I hate not knowing the extent,the after shocks of what I did.Or maybe I just hate the lack** _OF_ **them.A month.A month goes by.I’m getting slightly better,feeling less sad.I crave closure but it is not given to me.** _You’re gonna have to let go Max._ **And I know.I know its not healthy or right to constantly be dwelling on this,constantly thinking about them.And so I let them go.Slowly,painfully.I delete our conversations so I can’t torture myself reading them over and over again.I stop asking Violette about them.I stop watching their TikTok’s and I try,** _oh I try,_ **to stop listening to 5 Hours of Summer.But it does not come easy.** _No.Because learning to be lonely isn’t supposed to be easy, Max.Take your time._ **So I do.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this was part of my healing.I hesitate releasing it because it's deeply personal.But I hope if anyone is going through something similiar that they don't feel alone in their feelings.It gets better.

**Author's Note:**

> It was not our time,but I love you.


End file.
